Two goofy movies get goofy new titles: FANTASTIC FOUR reboot and DIE HARD 5 renamed

Two goofy movies get goofy new titles: FANTASTIC FOUR reboot and DIE HARD 5 renamed

Jun 10

Once upon a time, the Fantastic Four films were rubbish. Then, at the same time Disney acquired Marvel, a Jessica Alba-less Fantastic Four reboot was announced, to the delight of comic book fans everywhere. Heroes / Smallville writer Michael Green was hired to write the script (he also wrote the upcoming Green Lantern adaptation); Hancock / I Am Legend producer Akiva Goldsman is on board as showrunner; beyond that no personnel have been attached to the project, no release date or even title announced.

Now, however, the Fantastic Four reboot has (apparently) been named: Fantastic Four Reborn. Great! Sounds like the eponymous four heroes are going to find themselves shoved back into the womb and sternly told to think about what they’ve done and try again (er, symbolically, of course).

And what about that Die Hard 5 thing that’s supposedly happening? Why, it’s been titled Die Hard 24/7, of course! What common numerical parlance will they pillage next? Perhaps we’ll see Die Hard 666 (where Kevin Smith turns out to be the devil) next, and then Die Hard 747 (on a plane, of course), followed by Die Hard 815: The Dharma Initiative, and then maybe Die Hard 911. Then there’ll be a four-dimensional reboot called Die Hard X: Yippee-Pi-Irrational Numbers, Motherfucker. At least, that’s how it’d play out if I ran Fox.

Anyway, these titles come from a top-secret super-spy mole infiltrating the evil 20th Century Fox corporation, so take them with a grain of salt.