PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN: ON STRANGER TIDES’ plot synopsis is shockingly unoriginal

Johnny Depp + 3D = $500 million dollars. That’s the only thing on Disney’s mind right now. Johnny Depp + 3D + interesting storyline = $500 million dollars + loyal fans doesn’t seem to have crossed their mind.

Via Slashfilm:

In this action-packed tale of truth, betrayal, youth and demise, Captain Jack Sparrow crosses paths with a woman from his past (Penelope Cruz), and he’s not sure if it’s love–or if she’s a ruthless con artist who’s using him to find the fabled Fountain of Youth. When she forces him aboard the Queen Anne’s Revenge, the ship of the formidable pirate Blackbeard (Ian McShane), Jack finds himself on an unexpected adventure in which he doesn’t know who to fear more: Blackbeard or the woman from his past.

Let’s break that synopsis down, shall we?

• “Action-packed”: the first Pirates trilogy was nearly sunk under spiralling-out-of-control action set-pieces.
• “Truth, betrayal, youth and demise”: in the original Pirates flicks, Jack Sparrow was the one likely to lie and back-stab his way out of a precarious situation. Turning the tables on this double-dealer might sound good on paper, but it might not make for resonant character development on screen.
• “A woman from his past (Penelope Cruz)”: they will fall in love before the end.
• “Not sure if it’s love”: they will fall in love before the end.
• “Fountain of Youth”: they will fall in love before the end, and Jack Sparrow will probably become immortal, while Penelope Cruz’ character will probably wind up dead and / or estranged.
• “Formidable pirate Blackbeard”: it took something like a million bullets and eight thousand swords to kill Blackbeard in real life. He probably gets his hands on the Fountain of Youth before the end.
• “Ian McShane”: a ray of sunshine in an otherwise bleak synopsis.
• “Unexpected adventure”: Jack Sparrow must suffer catastrophic short-term memory failure if he doesn’t ever expect adventure.
• “Woman from his past”: they will fall in love before the end.

I’m getting thoroughly sick of the Han Solo / Leia Organa style of romantic subplot, with the back-and-forth banter and the scoundrel / princess character archetypes. I saw it most recently in Clash Of The Titans and Prince Of Persia, not to mention in the catatonic writing in video games like Uncharted: Drake’s Fortune; it seems like On Stranger Tides is aiming for the same type of subplot.

The reason that romance plot worked in Star Wars was because a) it hadn’t been done to death in mainstream cinema yet, b) Han and Leia were discrete characters introduced in A New Hope whose romance didn’t blossom until later in the series, and c) because both characters initially denied their attraction to each other. Inventing characters purely to fill the shoes of the Han / Leia archetype smacks of lazy character design and derivative plotting.

Oh wait, we’re talking about Disney, aren’t we? That’s par for the course, then.

Peruse the full On Stranger Tides press release over at Slash, but be warned, it’s a slab of text nearly as long as my arm, with about as much interesting information as you’d fit on the average film ticket (i.e., Johnny Depp + 3D, 20 May 2011).

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