The top 5 chick flicks that won’t microwave your balls off
Dec 04The words “chick flick” have long been able to send a dagger of fear into the hearts of young (and older) men. With the New Year comes a new batch of no-gore, no-(or very rare) nudity and no-foul language movies that are designed for one thing and one thing only. To make a Mans’ cinema-going experience on par with plucking your eyebrows with an adjustable spanner! Now. Once in a while there will come a film that transcends the genre and can make you feel like you haven’t wasted $100 trying to get into the pants of the babe you’re sitting next to.
I have dubbed these films: “Chick Flicks that Won’t Microwave Your Balls Off.” Here is a look at 5 of these films that can appeal to the male as well as the female and not make us want to hang ourselves by our belts from the toilet stall hook in the men’s room.
5. NEVER BEEN KISSED
Plot
Former High School Reject Josie is now a successful copy editor for the Chicago Sun-Times. She is given an assignment to infiltrate a high school by enrolling as a student for research to write an article about modern high school life. Now she has to face the same put downs and peer pressure that made her hate her high school experience. (It’s like what Cameron Crowe did in real life that gave him the fruit that bore Fast Times at Ridgmont High)
Opinion
Sounds deep huh? It’s not though. It has enough slapstick comedy and self-depreciating humour to penetrate even the hardest of hearts.
Reason That It Won’t Microwave Your Balls Off
Drew FREAKIN Barrymore. This girl is so adorable even puppies are envious of her charms. With a lesser actress this would have turned into a pile of drivel, and although it can fall into schmaltz at intervals, still manages to bring a smile out of this big softie. It also has the best use of a Beach Boys song ever.
4. SIXTEEN CANDLES
Plot
Sam Baker turns 16 and no-one remembers her fucking birthday causing her to have a series of miss adventures and heartbreaks.
Opinion
This is probably my favourite John Hughes movie. I am going to get crap for that I know, but I don’t care. Ferris Bueller might be cool, The Breakfast Club might have been a voice for a generation, but I think Sixteen Candles is John Hughes at his most honest and most human.
Reason That It Won’t Microwave Your Balls Off
It doesn’t need one it’s got Molly Ringwald.
3. TWILIGHT
Plot
Lonely teen gets stalked by emo fag vampire who sparkles and looks like he is taking a dump everytime he tells her he loves her. Yep, that’s it!
Opinion
I’ve got to be honest here. I have read up to the fourth book in the Twilight Saga and while I agree with Stephen King in thinking that these are the pre-teen equivalent of a badly written Mills and Boon novel, I thought the story was better than the characters deserved. The movie is a hell of an improvement over the book and while the dialogue and acting can be laugh out loud awful sometimes , it has enough teen angst to keep you watching.
Reason That It Won’t Microwave Your Balls Off
Everyone except the emo sparkly vampire and his clumsy princess.
2. HE’S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU
Plot
It’s damn complicated. The story is like Crash without, well…the crash. All the characters weave in and out of each others lives and the story unfolds not in the way you’d think it would. Look, all you need to know is it has Drew Barrymore, Scarlett Johansson and Ben FREAKIN Affleck.
Opinion
I so wanted to hate this movie. As much as I wanted to though, I found myself drawn in like a sucker and really got involved with the story. I’ll admit it, I choked up a couple of times and hated myself instantly for it. You don’t get to see Scarlett naked, but you do have enough of her to keep all the dull bits from seeming tired and repetitive (I’m looking at you Justin Long!)
Reason That It Won’t Microwave Your Balls Off
The Affleck. In one scene I think I lost my man-card rights as I started tearing up. He was doing the freaking dishes for goddsake! Why? WHY?
1. JERSEY GIRL
Plot
Ollie loses his wife during childbirth and has to learn to become a father and a man through taking care of his precocious daughter.
Opinion
I hear there’s a new buzz phrase going around “chick flick for guys”. This is probably the film that the term was coined for. It’s a great flick, one of Kevin Smith’s best and I really get where he’s coming from with this one. All of his films have a level of truth and heart to them, so what if the other 99% of the movie is all but dick and fart jokes. It’s a good movie and I wish for the love of all things sacred Kevin Smith would stop apologising for it.
Reason That It Won’t Microwave Your Balls Off
Dick and Fart jokes and, oh yeah, THE AFFLECK!
PARANORMAL ACTIVITY: This time you CAN believe the hype
Dec 02
PARANORMAL ACTIVITY review by Money Talks
It’s a shame what constitutes a ‘horror’ film nowadays. Movies like Saw, Hostel and (like it or not) Twilight, are what today’s teens are calling horror. So when a film comes out and knocks your socks off that has little-to-no special-fx, shot with one camera and has a budget far less than what it took to airbrush Megan Fox’s acne scars out of Transformers 2, you have to stand up and take notice.
This year there has been a movement in genre cinema that I’ve noticed that errs on the side of storytelling more than effects. From my perspective, it’s a welcome change from the excess of effects that seems to get in the way to a good story.
I had a chance a couple of months to go to a sneak preview of Paranormal Activity. I’m a horror junkie so I leapt at the chance to see what all the fuss was about. The cinema was packed and I don’t think anyone was expecting what was to come next.
The film concerns a young couple Katie and Micah who, before we come in, have been having problems with unexplained noises and a bad feeling inside their villa apartment. Micah, having to somehow make sense of these occurrences, (he is a guy after all) brings home a video camera to document these paranormal activities. He starts off as a bit aloof about the situation but soon learns that you cannot mock the supernatural without getting some seriously screwed up repercussions.
As the story unfolds, I was drawn deeper into their dilemma. Unaware of the people around me and the multiplex that I was sitting in, I was quickly immersed in their story. The use of the home camera as being the way to tell the story felt comfortable and a bit voyeuristic. At times I felt acutely aware that this couple were having a few issues even before the spooks started and felt genuinely sorry for them as the story went on.
Now, I’m not one for spoilers. In fact if someone tells me the ending of a film or reveals who the bad guy is before I’ve seen said movie I get the crazy eyes and consider that person dead to me. So I’m not going to give you any spoilers here.
Like Alien, Halloween and most classic (70’s) horror films did, the story takes a while to unfold and to intentionally build up the scares. The pacing has caused a few critics to slam the film, but I felt it was spot-on. There is one moment in the film that happens about half way through that totally gave me the chills and raised the bar for what a low budget movie can do.
In a nutshell the film worked. The sound at times felt processed and not in sync with the low techness of the movie, but that’s a really nitpicky thing to point out as I found I was having to look for problems so as to justify my appreciation for the film.
Paranormal Activity, if seen in the right context, will scare the shit out of you. If you love your horror old school and really well paced storytelling and well acted, then you should like this movie.
I’ve read online that people have been criticising Katie Featherston’s weight. Now, you know your film works if the biggest issue people have with the film is with one of your star’s weight. Katie, while not only having to act a fine line throughout the film is a very fine looking woman. I for one was hoping for a sex scene or two. Oh well, maybe her next film?
As we filed out of the cinema I could see a lot of stunned, shocked and amused looking faces. I’ll admit I was probably all three as I left the auditorium. Films like this thrive on word of mouth and all my mates are sick of me talking about it already, I’m sure.
This film had me by the throat from the beginning. As I was driving home, I had to pump up the volume on the stereo to stop myself from getting creeped out.
Not even the almighty KISS was able to keep the chills away. A sure sign of a good effective modern horror film.
One word of caution – you might have trouble sleeping after this movie. I know I did.
This time you can believe the hype.
OPINIONS COUNT