The bad news is that it’s full of people getting thrown across rooms and not being injured. The good news is there’s only two of these things left. And Bella gets kicked from the inside by a demon baby. If you’re into that kind of thing.

17 November 2011. Sigh.

This one raises some important questions about the ethical, psychological and legal repercussions of intelligent organisms artificially selecting themselves–which the film itself will almost certainly ignore in favour of ‘splosions.

See it in August. I’m keen.

Many years ago, a man wrote three books. Then he died. Then the books were published. In 2009, Sweden made a movie out of the first book. It was well-received, except in America, where apparently no-one can fucking read, because here comes a non-subtitled remake by the venerable David Fincher.

Having never read any of the books, or seen the Swedish flick, I can say I am thoroughly confused by this trailer. There’s not an iota of character or plot here, just a sense of crime and cold, and I hate crime as much as I hate the cold. Bonus hate-points for including an ugly cover of such an idiosyncratic song. Where’s the bass-runs, people? Where’s the bass-runs?

Then again, the book’s original title is Men Who Hate Women. Now that sounds interesting.

Christmas this year, folks. That’s 2011.

Edit: Someone’s taken the trailer down. I think it wasn’t supposed to come out till 2/6, which is today, but it’s actually tomorrow overseas, so keep your eyes peeled…

I’m not talking about the two new kids, who are homogenous and dull. I mean the original spy kids. They’re old now. The boy shaves, the girl wears silly amounts of make-up. What happened to my life? I was their age when the first movie came out.

Anyway, Antonio Banderas and Carla Gugino are gone, replaced by Jessica Alba and some white dude. Ricky Gervais plays the robot dog (just about the saddest sentence I’ve ever typed). Jeremy Piven plays the bad guy. Oh, and the trailer gives literally everything away, so don’t watch it if you’re sensitive to Spy Kids spoilers.

Due August 2011.

I suppose the recent floods in Queensland spurred some creative genius to work, because now we have Bait 3D, a film about a flood in Queensland. Round of applause, please.

But the really creative bit is that, this time, a shark got flooded into a supermarket with a bunch of annoying humans. Cue underlit shots of idiots screaming, and ominous profile shots of sharks’ fins. Didn’t The Reef just come out a few months ago?

Due out in September 2011 (see this instead of that I Don’t Know How She Writes These Fucking Titles, please). For the record, the sharks in this trailer are great whites. Other sites (including imdb!) are reporting tiger sharks. Wrong, wrong, wrong.

It’s got Sarah Jessica Parker and New York, and one of her friends is a redhead, so you might as well call it Sex And The City 2.5. Also, what’s up with these godawful movie titles lately? He’s Just Not That Into You, How Do You Know… stop addressing the audience in the title, it’s fucking tacky.

Due some time in September. I hope never to have the misfortune of seeing it.

Your IQ would have to be pretty low for you to go into the water minutes after your friend died of a shark attack, and that is literally the plot of this whole movie. Good thing they’ve got a van-load of American college students, then, eh?

The facepalming begins September 2011.

It’s got Jason Segel and Amy Adams, and it looks colourful as hell. What’s not to like?

Comes out “this Thanksgiving”. If I give thanks now, will it come out? Probably not. I think that’s an American holiday in, like November, or something. Who knows?