Arnie does something: everyone pays close attention
May 06
A script based on a 1975 novel about an alcoholic who bonds with some rich jerk’s son, a $12.5 million payday (plus 25% first dollar gross), the internet aflurry with anticipation–it can only mean one thing: Arnold Schwarzenegger is back in town.
He’s signed on for Cry Macho, to be directed by The Lincoln Lawyer‘s Brad Furman and produced by The Godfather‘s Al Ruddy. The plan is to shop the project around at Cannes for distribution.
Meanwhile, no one gives a fuck about that Governator cartoon thing.
Arnold Schwarzenegger’s multi-media GOVERNATOR project is heading to the cinema, too–eventually
Apr 05Over the past few days, we’ve heard some interesting things from the Austrian Oak: turns out he’s working on a comic-book/animated TV show superhero concept where he basically stars as himself (see trailer above), exploding robots in San Fransisco with rubber tyres, and so forth.
But if comic books and cartoons aren’t your bag, put a big red circle around the year 2013, because a 3D movie (presumably animated) of The Governator is due to hit some time that year.
This announcement might tide some fans over, but I won’t be happy until Arnie is cast as the lead in Expendables II or something.
THE EXPENDABLES review
Aug 14
There’s only so much tolerance I can have for a film that misfired on what it aimed to achieve (see what I did there?). The Expendables wanted to bring big action back to the big screen, recalling the glory days of Stallone and company. What it needed to do was rise above those glory days and usher something refreshing and new while giving those classic actioners a wink from behind the lens. To become what everyone anticipated was possible—a new beginning in the action genre, OR the ultimate, most brilliant ensemble action film ever made—The Expendables needed to do a hell of a lot more than just follow the blue print from the 80s. It’s a shame it didn’t follow through.
It’s all here. Big guns, big fights, big arms, square jaws, car chases, explosions, sexy ladies in distress and, of course, witty one-liners. There’s even a bad guy ‘monologing’ at the end to complete the package. It’s all been done before and there’s nothing revolutionary for The Expendables to hang its hat on.
That’s not to say this celebration of testosterone needed to be anything more than it is. For the blokes, the burly men who only go to the cinema on very rare occasions, the action delivered in The Expendables is all they require. I’m pretty sure the home DVD and television markets are geared for this audience in particular. They can pause this whenever they want, take a phone call, miss entire chunks of the film and catch up to what’s going on in about 1 minute and totally not give a fuck. I don’t know if that’s incredibly stupid or remarkably clever.
The plot is a no-brainer: army of bad guys in a foreign country, go kill em, save the girl, blow everything to smithereens in the process. Hell, use a plane to explode a dock if you have to, just blow shit up.
What made this film so attractive and promising was the cast. If I’m to believe the trailer, this was going to bring action heavyweights Stallone, Schwarzenegger, Willis, Lundgren, Li and Rourke together for one seriously explosive party. One could rightly feel ripped off that Bruce Willis and Arnold Schwarzenegger make one-scene cameos and don’t have anything much to do with the overall film. Thankfully I knew this was the case before taking my seat, but I’m guessing the majority of this film’s target audience would take the trailer on face value.
The real lead cast here is Sylvester Stallone (also co-writer and director), Jason Statham, Dolph Lundgren and Jet Li. They each do what is required, nothing more. Who needs drama when you’ve got arms the size of trucks and silky-smooth, perfectly choreographed martial arts skills?
Sly is that gritty guy you’ve seen before. Needs a shave, slurs when he speaks, smokes a cigar and becomes the hero of the movie by overcoming the odds to save the girl (no, no spoiler warning for you—it’s plain as day, people).
‘Who really cares?’ kind of spoilers in this para: Statham gets by on his charm and accent, and is even given the handy Storyline-B part of the script where he fancies a girl for a scene and proves his love to her by beating the shit out of a basketball team in another. The last time we see her or hear anything about the relationship is at around the 70 minute mark of the film. This entire B-plot is completely useless.
REAL spoilers in this para: Dolph’s character was very lost and a glaring misstep for an already weak script. He goes against the group from the very opening act, is kicked out, betrays them, gets shot by Sly in a big confrontation, survives, and winds up chummy with the gang again in the final scene. Like, fuck you, Expendables! I may be stupid but I’m not that stoopid.
Mickey Rourke had a chance to act (you know, really act, not just run, punch and shoot shit) when he delivered a monologue about a life he could have saved, but didn’t. This scene was supposed to underline the theme of the movie, which I think is ‘don’t let regret have a chance to get the better of you’, and I’m certain was written as an afterthought to the guns, blood and explosions. But again, that’s okay because that’s what this audience paid to see: Guns, blood and explosions. And baby, The Expendables definitely delivers on those.
It was entertainingly violent, yes. No denying that. Some of the kills are very impressively choreographed—but also incredibly fake, often beyond believability. The choice to seemingly have no blood on set and re-create splatters digitally was a poor one; especially considering how advanced CGI effects are these days. The fake digitized gore in every big action scene cheapened film even further.
The Expendables tries to keep its cardboard characters witty and charming, but most of the humour fell on deaf ears in my particular (full) cinema. I must admit I laughed aloud once: when Stallone gustily referred to Stone Cold Steve Austin’s hairdresser (Steve Austin is bald, you see. Hilarious). Now, I laughed out loud like a jackass, and so did the rest of the audience, but I can’t help thinking we laughed at that moment because it was so awfully lame and uncomfortable; and for all the film was trying to do, we felt like we had better give a little back at that point in time. We felt obligated.
The testosterone is dripping from the screen from the opening shot of The Expendables, and doesn’t stop dripping until the final frame (save for Rourke’s attempt at a weeping monologue right in the middle of a fucking action film and a girly closing poem from Staham). Maybe it’s just me, but I feel like this kind of action movie isn’t around anymore because audiences grew weary of a genre becoming more and more insulting to their intelligence. I know that’s certainly the case in my book.
Ultimately, The Expendables is nothing more than a forgettable action film. And that’s fair, because that’s all it ever set out to be.
The Expendables
Len Wiseman will get your ass to Mars in the TOTAL RECALL reboot
Aug 02
With Kurt Wimmer (Equilibrium, Ultraviolet) on board to write, and Len Wiseman (Underworld, Die Hard 4.0) now officially announced to direct, can things possibly get any worse for the Total Recall reboot? Well, it’ll probably be in 3D, so, yeah, I guess they can.
The original is only 20 years old, and it showcases Arnold at the peak of his sci-fi / action career; it’s laced with Paul Verhoeven’s subversive violence and knowing satire. You wouldn’t reboot Goodfellas (would you?), so why does Total Recall deserve a 21st-century re-telling?
The full press release, including an exhaustive biography of Wiseman’s involvement in the art departments of such classic films as Godzilla and Stargate, can be found here.
You had me at Stallone: new EXPENDABLES trailer perfectly caters to my primal desire to see action films
Jul 14
There ain’t too much I can say about this trailer it doesn’t already say for itself.
Sylvester Stallone’s The Expendables opens 13 August 2010 and is going head-to-head at the box office with the Julie Roberts feel-good, soul-searching drama Eat Pray Love. This trailer, aptly titled ‘Call to Arms’, calls for all men worth their salt to get back in the fucking cinema and see some old school action the way it should be seen!
Who can deny an action film starring Sylvester Stallone, Jason Statham, Jet Li, Dolph Lundgren, Eric Roberts, Randy Couture, Steve Austin, Mickey Rourke, Bruce Willis and Arnold Schwarzenegger?? That’s not a pretend cast, mate– they’re IN this bad boy, as this trailer perfectly illustrates.
I’m entirely behind anything that insists on beating Julia Roberts.
OPINIONS COUNT