THE EXPENDABLES review

THE EXPENDABLES review

Aug 14

There’s only so much tolerance I can have for a film that misfired on what it aimed to achieve (see what I did there?). The Expendables wanted to bring big action back to the big screen, recalling the glory days of Stallone and company. What it needed to do was rise above those glory days and usher something refreshing and new while giving those classic actioners a wink from behind the lens. To become what everyone anticipated was possible—a new beginning in the action genre, OR the ultimate, most brilliant ensemble action film ever made—The  Expendables needed to do a hell of a lot more than just follow the blue print from the 80s. It’s a shame it didn’t follow through.

It’s all here. Big guns, big fights, big arms, square jaws, car chases, explosions, sexy ladies in distress and, of course, witty one-liners. There’s even a bad guy ‘monologing’ at the end to complete the package. It’s all been done before and there’s nothing revolutionary for The Expendables to hang its hat on.

That’s not to say this celebration of testosterone needed to be anything more than it is. For the blokes, the burly men who only go to the cinema on very rare occasions, the action delivered in The Expendables is all they require. I’m pretty sure the home DVD and television markets are geared for this audience in particular. They can pause this whenever they want, take a phone call, miss entire chunks of the film and catch up to what’s going on in about 1 minute and totally not give a fuck. I don’t know if that’s incredibly stupid or remarkably clever.

The plot is a no-brainer: army of bad guys in a foreign country, go kill em, save the girl, blow everything to smithereens in the process. Hell, use a plane to explode a dock if you have to, just blow shit up.

What made this film so attractive and promising was the cast. If I’m to believe the trailer, this was going to bring action heavyweights Stallone, Schwarzenegger, Willis, Lundgren, Li and Rourke together for one seriously explosive party. One could rightly feel ripped off that Bruce Willis and Arnold Schwarzenegger make one-scene cameos and don’t have anything much to do with the overall film. Thankfully I knew this was the case before taking my seat, but I’m guessing the majority of this film’s target audience would take the trailer on face value.

The real lead cast here is Sylvester Stallone (also co-writer and director), Jason Statham, Dolph Lundgren and Jet Li. They each do what is required, nothing more. Who needs drama when you’ve got arms the size of trucks and silky-smooth, perfectly choreographed martial arts skills?

Sly is that gritty guy you’ve seen before. Needs a shave, slurs when he speaks, smokes a cigar and becomes the hero of the movie by overcoming the odds to save the girl (no, no spoiler warning for you—it’s plain as day, people).

‘Who really cares?’ kind of spoilers in this para: Statham gets by on his charm and accent, and is even given the handy Storyline-B part of the script where he fancies a girl for a scene and proves his love to her by beating the shit out of a basketball team in another. The last time we see her or hear anything about the relationship is at around the 70 minute mark of the film. This entire B-plot is completely useless.

REAL spoilers in this para: Dolph’s character was very lost and a glaring misstep for an already weak script. He goes against the group from the very opening act, is kicked out, betrays them, gets shot by Sly in a big confrontation, survives, and winds up chummy with the gang again in the final scene. Like, fuck you, Expendables! I may be stupid but I’m not that stoopid.

Mickey Rourke had a chance to act (you know, really act, not just run, punch and shoot shit) when he delivered a monologue about a life he could have saved, but didn’t. This scene was supposed to underline the theme of the movie, which I think is ‘don’t let regret have a chance to get the better of you’, and I’m certain was written as an afterthought to the guns, blood and explosions. But again, that’s okay because that’s what this audience paid to see: Guns, blood and explosions. And baby, The Expendables definitely delivers on those.

It was entertainingly violent, yes. No denying that. Some of the kills are very impressively choreographed—but also incredibly fake, often beyond believability. The choice to seemingly have no blood on set and re-create splatters digitally was a poor one; especially considering how advanced CGI effects are these days. The fake digitized gore in every big action scene cheapened film even further.

The Expendables tries to keep its cardboard characters witty and charming, but most of the humour fell on deaf ears in my particular (full) cinema. I must admit I laughed aloud once: when Stallone gustily referred to Stone Cold Steve Austin’s hairdresser (Steve Austin is bald, you see. Hilarious). Now, I laughed out loud like a jackass, and so did the rest of the audience, but I can’t help thinking we laughed at that moment because it was so awfully lame and uncomfortable; and for all the film was trying to do, we felt like we had better give a little back at that point in time. We felt obligated.

The testosterone is dripping from the screen from the opening shot of The Expendables, and doesn’t stop dripping until the final frame (save for Rourke’s attempt at a weeping monologue right in the middle of a fucking action film and a girly closing poem from Staham). Maybe it’s just me, but I feel like this kind of action movie isn’t around anymore because audiences grew weary of a genre becoming more and more insulting to their intelligence. I know that’s certainly the case in my book.

Ultimately, The Expendables is nothing more than a forgettable action film. And that’s fair, because that’s all it ever set out to be.

The Expendables

You had me at Stallone: new EXPENDABLES trailer perfectly caters to my primal desire to see action films

You had me at Stallone: new EXPENDABLES trailer perfectly caters to my primal desire to see action films

Jul 14

There ain’t too much I can say about this trailer it doesn’t already say for itself.

Sylvester Stallone’s The Expendables opens 13 August 2010 and is going head-to-head at the box office with the Julie Roberts feel-good, soul-searching drama Eat Pray Love. This trailer, aptly titled ‘Call to Arms’, calls for all men worth their salt to get back in the fucking cinema and see some old school action the way it should be seen!

Who can deny an action film starring Sylvester Stallone, Jason Statham, Jet Li, Dolph Lundgren, Eric Roberts, Randy Couture, Steve Austin, Mickey Rourke, Bruce Willis and Arnold Schwarzenegger?? That’s not a pretend cast, mate– they’re IN this bad boy, as this trailer perfectly illustrates.

I’m entirely behind anything that insists on beating Julia Roberts.

Call Sheet: Edward Norton is out, X-Men: First Class gets busy, Denzel Washington, The Hobbit, Kevin Smith, Christoper Nolan and James Bond

Call Sheet: Edward Norton is out, X-Men: First Class gets busy, Denzel Washington, The Hobbit, Kevin Smith, Christoper Nolan and James Bond

Jul 12

Call Sheet: A weekly run-down of movie casting news and rumours from around the web.

• A pile of X-Men: First Class casting filtered down from above this week, it’s been hard to keep track of. Aaron Johnson (star of Kick-Ass and Nowhere Boy) was rumoured to have been cast as Cyclops, but his people were quick to put that rumour to rest. That is where my interest in this film ends. For your benefit, here is, officially, who is cast: James McAvoy will play the young Professor X. Michael Fassbender is Erik Lensherr, who becomes Magneto. Alice Eve plays Emma Frost. Nicholas Hoult has been cast as Hank McCoy (aka Beast). Caleb Landry Jones plays Banshee, and Lucas Till was cast as Havok. Phew!

• While we’re still on comic books, Marvel have finally confirmed Edward Norton won’t be playing Bruce Banner/The Hulk in the upcoming Avengers movie. They’re gonna cast someone who better suits the character. Even though they’re right, that’s a real low-blow, Marvel. Low. Blow.

• I feel a bit silly reporting bits on The Hobbit because the film is far from getting started after director Guillermo del Toro left. It’s been a horrible mess since the beginning. Now, just to add to the drama, Gandalf himself Sir Ian McKellan is getting a fed up and has announced he won’t be waiting around for the production to get under way. Can you blame him?

• Deadline has it on good authority that Oscar winner Denzel Washington will return to the role of playing lead antagonist in the upcoming film Safe House, being directed by Daniel Espinosa. Denzel will play a dangerous criminal being transported to a safety by a young CIA agent after both are attacked in a safe house.

• Variety reports Virginia Madsen has joined Amanda Seyfried, Max Irons, Shiloh Fernandez, Gary Oldman, Julie Christie and Lukas Haas on Red Riding Hood, an upcoming Catherine Hardwicke project that is said to be a ‘gothic horror reimagining’ of the classic Grimm Brothers tale. No kidding.

• While spending her 90 days in prison, Lindsay Lohan doesn’t have to worry about missing out on playing Deep Throat pornstar Linda Lovelace in the bio film Inferno: A Linda Lovelace Story (gee, I hope that’s a working title…). LA Times caught up with the film’s director Matthew Wilder who says the project will wait for her to be released. I wish Matthew all the best in trying to direct Lindsay and get a suitable performance out of her.

• Robert Rodriguez talks a lot about projects that rarely come into fruition (much like his mate Quentin Tarantino, actually). He recently talked about Sin City 2 (again) which I’m still keen to see, and this perhaps this holds some water now that he finally made good on his promise of delivering Machete and producing Predators all in one year. Digital Spy got this reply when they asked about the much-anticipated sequel:

“We’re still working on Sin City, I want to do it so we’ll see. It’s just a matter of when… We have a script… a rewritten script that we still have to write and it’s just finding the right time slot to do it.”

• Collider took part in a round-table discussion with Kevin Smith where he revealed he isn’t looking for any A-listers to appear in his upcoming horror film Red State. I’ll let him try to explain himself:

“For the first time since Clerks I’m trying to go, not unknown, but actors who aren’t like, you’re gonna see them on screen and not know their name…it’s a weird kind of in between neither place that I’m reaching for. It’s not complete unknown and it’s not remotely fucking recognizable, name recognizable…It’s really tough to find actors whose name you don’t know. You know you can go to Law and Order and grab anybody from the cast and they’ve done five or six episodes and shit but you’d still recognize them and you’d be watching the movie and be like “that’s that dude, I’ve seen that dude on Law and Order!”

• James Bond and Christopher Nolan fans went collectively batshit-crazy when the director stated he would love to do a Bond film one day. Don’t hold your breath, though– that’s all there is to it: Nolan simply saying it’d be fun to do and he respects the Bond character. There’s no film, no deal, not much else to get excited about.

• Christopher Walken has joined Mickey Rourke, Javier Bardem and Jason Statham on Tony Scott’s Potsdamer Platz.

• We’ll finish with some pic of Mill Jovovich, hey? They’re not too racy– instead, they show off the exuberant costumes she’s wearing as Milady de Winter in Paul W.S. Anderson’s adaptation of The Three Musketeers. These (among others) were uploaded to her Twitter feed.